If our children are from heaven and are unique gifts of God (and they are), it behooves us as parents to communicate that to them. While we should certainly tell them verbally, here are ten ways we can tell them non-verbally as well; ways to make sure our love for them is caught as well as taught.
1. Establish Boundaries for Their Lives
It sounds contrary to reason that setting boundaries for children is a way to communicate love—but it is. Boundaries say, “I love you enough to want you to be safe.” I met many children and teenagers over the years whose parents established no boundaries. For example, they had no required time to be home at night. The kids I talked to who had that “freedom” seemed almost sad about the fact that they had no curfew, no boundary. They seemed to wonder if their parents really cared.
No parent would allow a toddler to play unattended near a busy street because of the danger involved. But as children grow up, those same parents often forget that similar dangers exist for “tweenagers” and teenagers. Children can be hurt just as literally at those ages as they can be hurt by traffic when they’re toddlers. Boundaries provide protection, and they must be strong enough to withstand the tests of children.
Psychologist Joyce Brothers wrote, “Strictness has been considered an old fashioned method of parenting, but it may be coming back into style. A recent study of almost 2,000 fifth and sixth graders, some of whom have been reared by strict parents, others by permissive ones, produced some surprising results. The children who have been strictly disciplined possessed high self-esteem, were high achievers socially and academically. What these children said revealed that they were actually happier than the undisciplined children. They loved the adults who made and enforced the rules that they lived by.” 1
Parents need to learn from God who puts boundaries around His spiritual children’s lives. Boundaries say, “I love you enough to . . . .”
2. Enjoy Them
Sometimes when I hear parents say that they love their children, I want to ask, “But do you like them?” Sometimes it’s easier to provide food and shelter for our kids than it is to hang out with them, be patient with their immaturity, laugh with them, and prove that we want to be part of their lives as opposed to insisting that they be part of ours. The “terrible two’s” and the “terrible thirteen’s” shouldn’t be terrible at all. They don’t have to be if we learn to enjoy our children.
3. Expose Them to Our Humanness
When parents never admit their own failings to their children while at the same time pointing out the children’s failings, the standard that is communicated is perfection: “I’m perfect and so should you be.” The best way for our children to learn how forgiveness and reconciliation work is for them to enter into the process in our lives. If we never say the words, “It was my fault . . . I was wrong . . . I’m so sorry . . . would you please forgive me,” how will they learn to say those words themselves?
There have been times when I have jumped to conclusions about my children’s actions, judged them in error, and hurt them in the process. I have always felt so bad about it when it happened that I would seek their forgiveness promptly and take responsibility for what happened. That’s never easy to do, but any parent who values his or her relationship with his child will make confession and reconciliation a priority.
Some parents fear their children will think less of them if they acknowledge their mistakes, but the exact opposite is true! Children respect adults who admit they have failed. Plus, such admissions extend an invitation to the child to acknowledge his own failures.
4. Explain the Reasons Behind Our Decisions
Saying “Because I said so” to a child when he asks why he must do something does three things: It disrespects the child, it underestimates his ability to comprehend, and it shows laziness on the part of the parent. That is not to say that parents don’t have the authority to tell their children what to do. It is to say that children, especially the older they get, can understand and appreciate reasons for our instructions if we will provide them.
5. Exchange Ideas with Them
Ask a child about the kinds of conversations he has with his parents, and you will find that they are mostly functional and logistical: Did you clean your room? Are you ready for school? Who are you going with and what time are you going to be home? Have you finished your homework? Granted, the average day is filled with scores of functional matters that must be addressed in the lives of our children. By the time those are covered, there seems precious little time to talk about anything more meaningful.
Again, as children get older—especially in light of their exposure to the world through various media—they are fully capable of engaging in the realm of ideas. We need to make time and take the opportunity to interact with them and let them talk. It is in conversation and dialogue that children “hear themselves” and come to understand what they believe—and how it measures up against God’s truth.
6. Encourage Them
There has never been a generation of young people so in need of encouragement as the present generation—especially young people committed to following Christ. If parents don’t encourage their children, who will? I well remember my mother cheering me on at basketball games when I was a teenager. She thought I was the world’s greatest player in spite of the truth! But I could always pick out her voice from the roar of the crowd in a high school gymnasium, cheering me on. And I never forgot it.
Our children are going to experience disappointments. Until they become spiritually mature enough to encourage themselves in the Lord, they need parents to be there for them. Gary Smalley and John Trent once used the image of a sandwich to picture how much praise and encouragement our children need. Criticism called praise and encouragement. Praise and encouragement should precede and follow any criticism or correction. If we would praise and encourage our children ten times for every time we criticize or correct them, we would have better parenting results.
Someone has wisely said that, instead of trying to catch our kids doing something wrong, we need to catch them doing the right things and praise them for it.
7. Help Them Believe They Can Go Farther Than They Dream Possible
Because of their experience, parents have the ability to see further than children when it comes to the future. Life can seem daunting to a child, and parents need to paint pictures of what the future can be like. Possibilities, potential, abilities, opportunities—parents know much more of these than do children. Children already believe they are limited and “will probably fail.” So it is parents who need to step in and stretch their children’s vision, to help them identify their strengths and abilities, and find the areas in life in which they can succeed.
Every person, and therefore every child, is gifted with unique abilities. Sometimes the hardest part of life is identifying those abilities and finding a niche in which to exercise them. The sooner we can help our children begin to see themselves as capable and gifted, the more confident they will feel about dreaming big dreams for their future. Listening for and discerning the call of God is another part of a child’s finding his path. A parent’s stories and experience with God can provide a framework for thought and prayer in the life of a child.
8. Physically Express What We Feel in Our Hearts
Fathers, especially, need to wrap their arms around their sons and daughters and give them the affirmation that only physical touch can provide. There is nothing that says “security” and “acceptance” to a child—even a burly teenage football player—more than the strong, loving arms of a father. And for a daughter, a father’s hugs provide affirmation of beauty and desirability from the most important male figure in her life. If young women don’t get physical affirmation from their fathers, they will seek it from inappropriate sources.
I recall going into the locker room when my son played college football and exchanging hugs with him in front of the other players. Some of the other guys seemed surprised at that behavior, but it should be normal among men—especially fathers and sons. The exchange of affection between men has become so tainted by the rise of homosexuality in our culture that some men shy away from it. Sons and daughters need to learn from their parents, by precept and by example, that physical affirmation of love is a natural part of life.
9. Examine Our Own Lives Regularly
Divorce and marital strife are incredibly damaging to children, regardless of what the “experts” say. Wherever parents are in their lives—divorced, married but struggling, married and happy—we need to do everything possible to build, rebuild, and restore the relationships that will influence our children to be spiritually and emotionally healthy. God is gracious and the God of the second chance if we will avail ourselves of His restorative power. If we have failed with our kids or in our marriage, we need to make amends and resolve to build for the future. But even better than saying “I’m sorry” is preventing the failures in the first place. Keep short accounts. Don’t let tiny problems become big ones over time. Break negative cycles as soon as they appear. An ounce of spiritual prevention is well worth a pound of spiritual cure.
10. Exercise Great Patience with Them
The Bible says “it came to pass” 177 times! Not “it came to stay,” but “it came to pass.” Parents need to believe that the challenges of childrearing will pass. If parents will be patient and let kids process through the changes of life and find their footing, they will make it. That doesn’t mean that one day parenting will be over. Once a parent, always a parent. I once heard a true story about a man who constantly worried about his children’s choices in life. Sounds natural, except the man was in his nineties and his children were in their seventies!
Parenting never ends, but particular challenges do. Parents need patience and faith to make it from one stage to another. If parents will patiently shepherd their children through the preadolescent years, they will discover a new set of friends during the teenage years. Teens are young adults, fully capable of gracing their parents with friendship and camaraderie if parents will be patient until those years arrive. And if we do our job well, we will enjoy decades of fellowship in Christ with our children as we mutually support one another through the years.
As I look back over the decades of childrearing that my wife and I enjoyed—and still enjoy as parents and grandparents—I recall the valleys and the mountaintops. There have been moments of sheer joy and other moments of testing and challenge—more of the former, thankfully, than the latter. But the very fact that I can recount these years with great hope today is proof of the fact that parenting is possible. With God’s help, you can do it!
Yes, there will be tears of sadness and tears of joy, all of which will water and nurture the lives of those whom God has entrusted to you.
Notes:
1Dr. Joyce Brothers, “The Power of Love,” Good Housekeeping, Sept. 1985, 103.
This article was adapted from Dr. Jeremiah's book, Hopeful Parenting.
Parenting is far from easy. From first steps to first dates, parenthood is filled with unique challenges; yet there is no greater joy than nurturing one of God's most precious gifts.
David Jeremiah presents a heartwarming look at adventures in parenting. Drawing from his own rich journey through fatherhood, sharing wit and wisdom on raising children in an unpredictable world. Each insightful chapter features timeless truths from God's Word, offering encouragement for the road ahead.